Good Bye Bad Egg

I decided that I needed to get rid of the bad eggs in my life I decided to say things that I should have said a long time ago.  I think that I am wasting my time and that in the end I will be alone because I refused to let people walk all over me .  I don’t have the strength to pick myself up again and again and again.  When will it be time for me to rest?

In my heart I knew that accepting this person back into my life as a friend was ludicrous.  I was encouraged and kept second guessing myself because all I ever hear over and over is how much of a bitch I am.  How mean of a person I am and so in an effort to show compassion I allowed myself to be convinced that I was something I was not by the people who actually lived up to this title.

I know I should never second guess myself. Desperation and shame can really have a lot of power though.  After the friendship ended with the recipient of this letter I was encouraged to forgive this person by the other person who was treating me the same way.  I wanted love and happiness in my life so badly that I believed I was the terrible person they told me I was and decided in an effort to prove that I wasnt a hateful person and that I could show forgiveness I let this person back in.

Dear DB,

The last words you will ever hear from me.

You can try to bring me down again but the REAL Carla is back and you don’t deserve to have ME as a friend.  So after you read this go ahead and bad mouth me to the world or do whatever you want to make me look bad because there is nothing you can do or say that will only in the end prove that you are nothing but a person who never deserved to have me as a friend. You will never make me doubt myself again and even though you succeeded for a while at keeping me down…. I’m here to tell you – GAME OVER.

I don’t know what happened to you that caused you to have so much hate inside you but I do feel sorry for you.  You have hurt me more than Steve Conner and he is the biggest villain in my life.  The reason you get this honor is because I loved you more than I ever loved him.  You broke my heart and I loved you from the bottom of my heart, you were my best friend.  I should have gone with my gut about you but I doubted myself because unlike you I do only want to become a better person.  I have made a lot of mistakes and that’s ok.  I am going to be ok with that and learn from them and do whatever it takes to change my life and make it better and if I fail, I fail.

You will never be given the opportunity to hurt me ever again.  I don’t know what happened to you that makes you feel so bad about yourself that you felt that taking me down and enjoying every minute of it was would be more rewarding than having me as a best friend.  You don’t deserve to have me as a best friend and you are lucky to have had me in your life.  I could never hate you and will never  feel the need to take revenge or get even because if you don’t make some changes in your life then you will one day be alone because the people who thought you were the person your portray yourself to be is really a very brilliant, cold, mean and spiteful person.   There is nothing worse than that and I hope that never happens to you because I don’t wish that on my worst enemy,

You are a brilliant villain. All I ever did was love you and from the day I met you I thought you were someone who was good on in the inside but you have proven to me that you are ugly on the inside with an agenda to hurt people to make yourself feel better.  I’m writing this to tell you that you will never be given the opportunity to hurt me again.

You make me feel so bad about myself and you take advantage of the fact that I have gone from the person I once was to someone who has fallen so low that I was too ashamed to ask for help because maybe I didn’t deserve it or wasn’t worth it. You tried to get the best of me.  You tried to break my spirit and steal it to pretend you are something you are not and you did achieve that but I’m here to tell you – you will never be me.  The hate and jealousy you have towards me will end up biting you in the ass and will be the revenge that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, even you.

You say all the right things and do everything you can to appear to be someone who helps people because she is big hearted and generous and I see right through you.  You enjoyed watching me go to the bottom and I’m sorry that someone hurt you so bad that you felt to seek revenge on someone who had nothing but love for you.

Call anyone and take a survey with your “friends” and have them tell you that I’m the shitty person and then make it seem like you are just so big hearted that you are going to give me another chance.  I don’t need to ask anyone – I know you have never had my best interests at heart.  I see everything more clearly than ever and I will rise to the top and become the person I know I was destined to become.

I see now that people are really a good egg or a bad egg.  You are a bad egg.   There are no gray areas. You are just a phony.  You know damn well that you are.  It’s going to be the loneliest place with nothing but sadness when everyone sees you for the person you really are. I hope that doesn’t happen to you because unlike you I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

You take from me and take advantage of the fact that I feel like I am so far gone that I don’t deserve love and certainly wouldn’t have the courage to pick myself up and try again. It was a choice between one last fight or death and I didn’t choose death because I will not allow people like you and Steve to take me down. I’m better than that and I will never forget that people do love me and I doubted that.  The only people who don’t love me are you and him.  I’m going to do whatever it takes to get my life back.

If you need some examples of things that you have done to me that prove to me that there is no doubt that you are an evil villain here are some examples in case you are baffled at my accusations and need evidence.

-          You borrow things and have never once returned anything even when you promised.

-          You disrespect my home and when you come over you make sure you leave it a mess for me to clean up.

-          You wanted your dogs to shit and piss on my new rug that night when I kept asking you to keep them out of my dining room.  When I come to your home I make sure to leave it in the same condition or better when I leave.

-          I would give you anything if you told me you needed it and I have.  You have taken those things and given them to others so you could take credit for being so generous.

-          I sent you an email from my landlord Sabrina for free movie passes and I heard you lie to him and front of me because you couldn’t say I forwarded them to you because it might make me look good and you can’t have that.

-          I gave you pillows and that memory foam that didn’t belong to me because I loved you and thought you deserved it more than the person it belonged to and I even told that person that I didn’t know where that memory foam when she asked if she could have it back for her mother who had cancer but that was a mistake.  That person even though we should have been enemies has proven to be a better friend than have been.  It’s weird how things work out like that.

-          You have no genuine concern for me and I know this for a fact.  Steve really made me doubt myself but if a person like him is defending your character then I know I that I should have never doubted myself.

-          You have been cruel to me and made me feel like I deserved it and I know now that I didn’t and you are the one that has to live with yourself for making those mistakes.

-          You badmouthed me to anyone that would listen and as convincing as you are not everyone bought what you were selling. So go ahead and tell anyone who will listen I know I’m not a bad person and in the end everyone will see you for the pathetic liar that you are.

-          You told me when I was the saddest that I ever was that if you were me then you would want to kill yourself too. I should have cut you out of my life then but I was weak and you took advantage of that to achieve things that you didn’t deserve.  I know you know this deep down.

-          I let you borrow my laundry basket to carry the memory foam I gave you that I should have given back to the person it belonged to and asked you to please return the basket and you can’t even do that.  You are just as if not more selfish than your sister who probably is really not that selfish but just victimized by you.

-          You never sent me a list of items you promised to put together for Steve.  It’s you not me that doesn’t keep their word.

-          I always helped you when you said you needed to make money and you have never once done that for me. You are an amazing massage therapist but you will never hear me give you a referral because you don’t deserve it.

-          You want me to give up on myself and feel I don’t deserve anymore chances and that’s really sad that you feel so much hate towards me that you would do that to someone you claimed was a best friend.

-          You and I always talk about how I have hurt you and mistakes I have made in our friendship and you have never once admitted or addressed the things you have done and you KNOW this.  I have no doubt in my mind that your intentions towards me were never genuine and good.  Say anything to dispute this to make yourself feel better because I know that you know the truth deep down.

-          You didn’t acknowledge me on my birthday knowing it would break my heart… you sent me Steins cake in NY, DB, you know you how much you were hurting me when you chose to ignore me this year.

-          I asked you many times to return my strapless bra… you couldn’t even do that for me – that is how selfish you are and it makes you an ugly person.

I could go on but it’s not worth my time. You know what you have done is wrong and you have to live with yourself and that’s worse than any bad thing you have ever said about me or choose to say in the future.

I really did love you and cherished our friendship and I was heartbroken when I realized you were on a revenge mission and took pleasure in watching me fall to the lowest place in my life.

I know now that you don’t deserve to have me as a friend.  It’s not me that doesn’t deserve you as a friend.  I know that deep down you know this but are you gracious enough to admit it.

I wouldn’t bet the farm on that but who knows maybe one day you will prove me wrong but I am not going to hold my breath…. I absolutely welcome it though.