Older & Wiser? Older & Angrier? Older & Jaded?

I always wondered if and when I was ever going to feel old – well that time has come.  When you’re young you envision what your life is going to be like when you reach all the milestone events in life that you are taught to think are important.

At 35 a lot of those events that should’ve, would’ve, could’ve happened have long passed me by.  Have I really missed out on anything?  Would I feel more “normal”?  Would I be “happy”?

I am watching people walk by while I sit here alone having a drink. I am so anti social. I used to never go out alone, now I prefer it… I never left the house without making sure I looked flawless and over the top, now I don’t care. I am a completely different person than I used to be but am I a better person?

I see a girl in a hot pink suit trimmed with fur and heels walk by – I used to be like that girl. Now I look at her and think wow, she’s trying really hard. I don’t know how the hell I did that. I can’t even imagine being able to muster up the energy. I was so full of hope. I felt beautiful. I thought I was was going to have this amazing life. I thought something really special was going to happen to me.

Back to reality…What is reality anyway? I had a better life when I live in la la land. I am so terrified of being hurt that I just can’t, no matter how hard I try even attempt to be the girl I once was.  How can you you keep trying when you have failed so many times and have no strength left?  Are you supposed to just surrender to a life you have no desire to live?  I trapped in the middle this time and dont know which way to go. Try again? Admit that its not in the cards and give up?  Then what?

This leads me to the one question that paralyzes me with fear… Am I destined to become my mother?

Thinking about this is almost too much to bear. I feel like I am an outsider and the more I watch the less I want to fit in. Even my Mother got married (several times) and isnt going through life alone. We dont have much of a relationship but I know she isnt happy.

When you are little they tell you that “you can be anything you want” but no one ever bothered to mention all the fine print. If I had been better educated about discrimination, racism, religious persecution, prejudice, sexism, social class, corporate greed, religious persecution and social identity I would have at least had a fighting chance. Learning the hard way means you know the facts and the fact is I don’t think I should be forced to change. I know I’m not an asshole.

This is why I sit here alone. Yes, I am depressed sadness is a normal reaction to pain. If happiness isn’t a chemical imbalance neither is sadness.

“If being sane is thinking there’s something wrong with being different….I’d rather be completely fucking mental.”

~ Angelina Jolie

Tags: chemical imbalance, corporate greed, depression, discrimination, milestones, older and angrier, older and jaded, older and wiser, prejudice, racism, religious persecution, sexism, social class, social idenity